WHY DO I WRITE?. FOR MERSEYSIDE LGBT CREATIVE WRITING GROUP.JUNE 2018.FREEFLOW. BY STEVEN BENSON

QUESTIONS

  1. Status angst? (A bit; see below)
  2. Do I (linked to above; other reasons?) want to be published; in what format?
  3. Is(n’t) a blog enough?(well, one mainly defunct, in decay, “Decayetude https://decayetude.wordpress.com/ and the hopeful one more active:THIS one!)

These are all fairly negatively framed questions/justifications/explications… More positively, I FEEL MY WRITING CRYSTALLIZES MY EXPERIENCE AND LIFE.

It firmly articulates ( I probably privilege writing above speech, pace Derrida!) what would-otherwise- be half-formed, murky thoughts/beliefs. Lays them out (the corpse of the now, as every moment passes into yesterday, but, queerly, remains concurrent in the present and the future). Also, I suppose-ok, I own it!- I want to get these ideas and thoughts OUT there, to be read by like-minds or even-rare!-to CONVINCE people of my beliefs; but NOT at the expense of selling-out to marketing exigencies: “too gay(not enough gay??:P)”; “too academic”. Tiresome accomodations to heterosexual desires to control; and to their whims and fancies of what a gay man should and shouldn’t be (“why do you always feel the need to announce it?”; “quite like the camp but uncomfortable re lgbt equality, aka having HUMAN rights”). These are tiresome, offensive and BORING comments. So, ok , go for a gay male/lgbt/radical press? Ultimately, there is also a feel of “I can’t be bothered: as long as I got my constructively critical LGBT Creative Writing Group{which I am,in addition, very proud of as giving a safe space and an opportunity for this heavily and historically marginalised and invisibilzed loose grouping to SPEAK ALOUD and be heard). …So, we made a group anthology; it was even CALLED “Made Up”:)!; we were made up….(Liverpool for “happy/pleased”)…….

Whoah, Steve, this exactly the kind of off-on-a-tangent, longwinded writing people don’t wanna read… someone called it “wordy shite”{thanks:P!!!!}. Well, I know a few want to; not many , a few stray followers…

The rhizome serves a purpose: I am unentangling a rich web of:-

“people’s expectations”{which people?which  readers? agents? publishers?}

my desire to write: for ME AND to get my views across

not to put publishing (especially in NON self-published form) above integrity/selfhood: I mean I definitely do NOT want to make a living(even a part one) out of writing.

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So, IN PARTICULAR, why do I need to write this solipsistic, auto-fictive meandering{or is that the way to write which is more redolent of emotional truth and wholeness? (thanks to Catherine Cusset,”The Limits of Auto-Fiction{2012}). Well, I have, citing Cusset’s ideas, answered this-partly, anyway-for MYSELF because: We THINK in layers (though music is more suitable for reproducing contrapuntal processes, but, being more meta-referential, is diffuse/EVEN more relativistic in “meaning”/ meaning; so writing, which is more signifier/signified-rich CAN be clearer in communicating meaning, personal or TOWARDS the universal.)

We THINK in parallel lines (polyphonically), sometimes the voices are in harmony with each other, sometimes in dischord/incongruence. SO, I should like to try and loosely mirror that thought process, via digressions/rhizomes/clauses-within-clauses, sometimes even losing myself (and the reader, when there IS one:P) in the process.

{OMG, this is meant to be max 500 words; no panic: I can gloss and truncate}

 

I have digressed… to ” why my especial writing STYLE” not , prima facie, “Why I/ Steve write”.

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Is it all just a load of (self)wank? What is wrong with wanking?!

In writing,referentially, re myself do OTHER people see (aspects of ) THEMSELVES? ; do I care?{Hegemonic society says I SHOULD care; it’s all about communication, and even I believe there is some truth/necessity in this!)

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Nina Simone sang “I sing just to know that I am alive”; there is some truth/resonance in that for ME re writing: as I spent most of my formative years self-loathing, without a context to be a whole gay man, and -STILL- surrounded (outside my queer family of lgbt and lgbt-affirming friends), in a world of subtle and not-so-subtle marginalisation: as this existed/exists (to an extent) I will, and do, repeatedly NEED to write and LIVE myself back into my own (stolen, often) reality. I have just got it: THAT is the biggest reason I write………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

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About decayetude

ENTHUSIASMS: CLASSICAL MUSIC, ESPECIALLY OBSCURE ROMANTIC COMPOSERS; BACH/HANDEL LITERATURE, ESPECIALLY THOUGHTFUL, WELL-WRITTEN(STYLISTICALLY)NOVELS W G SEBALD WALTER BENJAMIN THEODOR ADORNO(JUST BEGINNING!) AESTHETIC PHILOSOPHY GAY MEN'S WRITING;QUEER THEORY STIMULATING DISCUSSIONS(EMOTIONALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY) GOOD RICH THICK ESPRESSO MICHAEL PONTI SPRITUALITY/LIFE'S "AURA"(BENJAMIN), WHATEVER TRANSCENDENTAL THING YOU WANT TO CALL THIS MEMORY-the elusiveness thereof. LOST TIME AND AN ATTEMPT AT ITS REDEMPTION(NON THEISTICALLY/RELIGIOUSLY)
This entry was posted in "Pride", alterity, art, ecriture cuir, gay, gay affirmative writing, gay hermeneutics, heteronormativity, life mirrors art, queer, queer hermeneutics, queer theory, Queer wrting, rant stream-o-consciousness;likes; dislikes; hates;writing workshop, Re-envisionning, reader response theory, revolution, Self-actualisation, Uncategorized, Utopia, wordcount, working outside hegemonies, writing exercise. Bookmark the permalink.

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