NEW BEGINNINGS AND SELF-REINVENTION.BY STEVEN BENSON.

New beginnings can be at ANY time not just January. I like to space self re-invention over the year(sometimes I physiologically NEED to!).

Poem? Steam-of-consciousness? ok: mixed genre…

Here are my self re-alignments(in historical order); then some future ones…And, perhaps, this is of limited interest to others but yet, I hope, it may serve as some kind of (adaptable) template…


TECHTONIC PLATES( the interfaces and shifts of self-reinvention):

  1. health (issues)
  2. Coming to terms with the world coming to terms with me being an openly gay man (mainly). Cf this https://towardsutopia.wordpress.com/2017/09/29/gayqueer-hermeneutics-barriers-and-transformations-by-steven-benson/ and this: https://towardsutopia.wordpress.com/2017/09/08/the-lgbt-diaspora-by-steven-benson/ and this: https://towardsutopia.wordpress.com/2017/08/25/institutions-for-merseyside-lgbt-creative-writing-group-mixed-genre-by-steven-benson/ You get the gist.
  3. Money: aka living in a predominantly failing/scapegoating -the poor-capitalist society.
  4. Politics: micro and macro. see 3.
  5. Mediating my love of Corbyn and his policies with people who cannot stand him. see 4.
  6. Housing. “Sanctuary{sic} Housing”.

LIFE TRAJECTORY:

1.Tortured, repressed gay teenager

2. (Sublimated) partial self re-invention: talk like a Radio 3 Announcer: even posh is more acceptable than being gay in this school. A re-directed way of expressing difference

3. More sublimation and self-occlusion (self UNre-invention) at Uni: into academia, this time; 12 hours per day unremitting study. Result:nervous breakdown, vallium addiction. Thanks, heterosexist society….

4. temporarily breaking free, in last year at Aber: painful love for (repressed gay? NOT ANOTHER ONE) Catholic man; then back to the closet for two years then

5. FREEDOM FOR REAL in tail-end of 1984 (Your own place is crucial   https://towardsutopia.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/for-pride-story-writing-group-steps-to-freedompauls-gay-start-in-life-reflections-by-steven-benson/

So I transformed into an out gay man, with a strong network of gay male (and straight female) friends, a father figure:Armistead’s “Logical Family”:( I would have struggled to do it sans them!); a more-than-accepting(after a short while) fab mum; all in an era of AIDS (untreatable-with concomitant massive stigma- and, shortly afterwards, Thatcher’s evil Section 28). Oh how we NEED this supportive role-model lgbt culture, failings and all; it is rich, nourishing and essential (deny it as “stereotyping” tho we sometimes do). Oh and a Gay Centre (could do with that now).

6. Career:Flew too high too soon; didn’t see the whole of the moon. Yuk. Manager. Victim of Victim Support scheme: closet queans x 2. Shite job anyway. The only gay in the village at Liverpool Age Concern… “I am Steve and I am gay” at the Greenbank Project…I like to call it my “Jeremy phase”, helping others, though, like him (and my lovely mum) I did not always help myself; middle class philanthropism is frowned on nowadays, but I am proud I WAS a middleclass philanthropist.

7. M.E plus second nervous breakdown.. amidst moving to and living in Manchester, a mainly unpleasant experience (of which some fictional renditions later:)).

8. Back to Liverpool and (re) settling amongst nice friends; and my felt-right PROPER career (albeit unpaid) at the Citizens Advice Bureau in Toxteth: Advisor, Guidance Tutor, Guidance Co-Ordinator, eventually prototype regional trainer. Proud of that: it felt right:). I miss the C.A.B (:

{I haven’t even got to the present and the future!….} You get the picture, however: be it conscious, semi-conscious or UNconscious, this changing of the skin, into a new creature that can survive (and sometimes thrive) pace the exigencies of poor health and other factors is re-born and re-born and re-born….


So, what OF the FUTURE: a medical interregnum(I hope shortlived) hies upon me; but that is a mere hiatus:

financial survival

Maintenance (and growth) of the lgbt groups I set up nearly 6 years ago(well, two of them anyway; the third-for which I write this piece- is of recenter provenance but proving no less successful)

Living in my stylish(if I say it myself:P), and selfstyled flat- social housing, dear!-beautiful as it is, despite the “issues” (polite word) around “Sanctuary Housing Association), a flat with a view (currently mediated by scaffolding!)

Maintaining and developing current friendships and adding new ones

Working on my relationship

Continuing archiving my gay/queer library

Continuing to visit bookshop havens; and to read and write


 

 

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About decayetude

ENTHUSIASMS: CLASSICAL MUSIC, ESPECIALLY OBSCURE ROMANTIC COMPOSERS; BACH/HANDEL LITERATURE, ESPECIALLY THOUGHTFUL, WELL-WRITTEN(STYLISTICALLY)NOVELS W G SEBALD WALTER BENJAMIN THEODOR ADORNO(JUST BEGINNING!) AESTHETIC PHILOSOPHY GAY MEN'S WRITING;QUEER THEORY STIMULATING DISCUSSIONS(EMOTIONALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY) GOOD RICH THICK ESPRESSO MICHAEL PONTI SPRITUALITY/LIFE'S "AURA"(BENJAMIN), WHATEVER TRANSCENDENTAL THING YOU WANT TO CALL THIS MEMORY-the elusiveness thereof. LOST TIME AND AN ATTEMPT AT ITS REDEMPTION(NON THEISTICALLY/RELIGIOUSLY)
This entry was posted in "Pride", Aberystwyth, alterity, ecriture cuir, gay, gay affirmative writing, gay archive, gay hermeneutics, heteronormativity, Phenomenology, queer, Queer archive, queer geography, Queer wrting, rant stream-o-consciousness;likes; dislikes; hates;writing workshop, Re-envisionning, revolution, safer spaces(guidelines), Self-actualisation, Uncategorized, Utopia, working outside hegemonies. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to NEW BEGINNINGS AND SELF-REINVENTION.BY STEVEN BENSON.

  1. decayetude says:

    Thx roughghosts and Gill:)

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